Seasons of grief can be tough on anyone, and losing someone close to you can make you feel alone. Children are no exception, and it is important during times of loss to make sure your child is getting the support they need during this time.
Over the past year, my children lost their grandfather who was like a second father to them. He took care of them while my husband and I worked and support their extracurricular activities. When he passed away, my children took the news very differently and their grief process was no different.
Ultimately, we ended up reaching out to a grief counselor and some of the things we learned which helped each child cope are below:
Delivering the Message
Children need clear and concise words when explaining tough situations to them. The easiest words to use are something similar to “I have some sad news to share with you. Grandma died today” Our counselor mentioned that the terms passed away, passed on, is no longer with us, etc. can cause confusion and give children the inability to understand that death is final. Using simple words can help when delivering the message and allow the child to process better.
Listening and Comforting
As mentioned, our children reacted very differently to the news that their loved one had passed away. One child immediately began crying, while the other didn’t look up from his iPad or offer any reaction. We actually had to ask him to put the tablet down to make sure he understood what we were saying. Still, he had no reaction. It is important to understand that there should be no expectation for how children will react to news. Their emotions could happen immediately or further down the road. Talking through these feelings throughout the year following the death was important for our children.
Explain to your children what to expect
Your children might have lots of questions for example “what happens next?” It is important that if children are looking for these details, you provide to them to help with their closure. Telling them there will be services, a showing, a burial etc. will help them in their grieving process and allow them to heal on their own.
Allow children to be part of the process
One key aspect our counselor mentioned to us was that it would be important for the kids to be involved in the final services. For our kids, we had a balloon sendoff where they wrote notes and sent them into the sky to say goodbye to their grandfather. For the next few days, our daughter wrote large notes to their grandfather in the driveway which made her feel better knowing he could see them from heaven. We also gave her a stuffed bear on the day we shared the news, and she has kept it as a keepsake that reminds her of her grandfather to this day. To her, the bear represents him and her memories she had with him.
Get professional help if needed
We consulted a counselor immediate when we unexpectedly lost our loved one. They had many resources, guides, and advice that helped us navigate the situation and learn how to react and comfort. If your child continues to struggle with their processing, I would highly recommend looking for a local family counselor or grief counselor specializing in children. Talking to someone else can help your children open up about their feelings and receive more support and comfort than what is available at home.
